Painful Memory
by Rationale
Summary: Margaret comforts hawkeye on a sad day for him... this is an HM fic. COMPLETE! R&R people, please!
1. Memories

Disclaimer: Don't own it. Want to, but don't.  
  
Author's Note: Okay, this is just a fic that I thought up trying to go to sleep. I don't know if it's any good, but I had to write because it was just bouncing around in my head, bugging me, so I had to get it out. Hope you like it! Please R&R, even flames, I don't care! It's sad, just a warning!  
  
Chapter One: Memories Resurface  
  
The doctors and nurses of the 4077th were busy in the OR. Normally, the room was filled with jokes, laughter, even singing. Today, however, it was silent, except for doctors asking for instruments. BJ and Potter had tried to get a conversation going, but Hawkeye, normally the ringleader, was abnormally quiet and reserved. Everyone could tell something was bothering him, but no one knew what.  
  
After ten hours in surgery, the deluge of wounded finally ended. Hawkeye, BJ, Charles, and Potter slumped back to the changing room, and took off their blood-covered scrubs. Then, they sat down tiredly. Hawkeye was especially quiet. Of course, everyone noticed.  
  
"Hawkeye are you feeling all right? Is something bothering you?" BJ asked in a concerned voice. He was worried about his friend; he was almost never this quiet, unless something was really bothering him.  
  
"Huh? I'm fine, BJ. Don't worry about me." Hawkeye replied.  
  
BJ knew his friend wasn't fine, but he left it at that. He would talk to Hawkeye later, in the Swamp.  
  
LATER THAT NIGHT  
  
Hawkeye lay in his cot, staring at the ceiling in the Swamp. He knew everyone else was asleep, he didn't know why he wasn't. He just couldn't sleep. There was something on his mind.  
  
Quietly, as not to disturb anyone else in the room, he opened his footlocker and reached through to the bottom. He found what he was looking for, pulled it out, and sat back on his cot.  
  
He stared at what he had found. It was a picture of Hawkeye as a little boy, his father, and his mother. Hawkeye stared at the picture. Suddenly, he felt like he couldn't breathe. He got up and walked quickly outside. After looking to make sure there was no one else out there (even though it was three in the morning), he walked over to the very edge of the camp, still holding the picture. What he didn't know was that someone had seen him. 


	2. Comfort

Disclaimer: Look at the one on the first chapter.  
  
Chapter Two: The Discovery  
  
Margaret was sitting on her cot, thinking. She didn't know why she was awake, but for some reason she couldn't fall back asleep. So, that's why she was just sitting, thinking.  
  
Suddenly, she heard footsteps from outside. She listened, then got up and poked her head outside. She saw a figure walking over towards the edge of the camp. Although it was dark, she knew it was Hawkeye. As she continued watching, she saw him glance around quickly, the sit down. Curious as to why he was outside so late (or rather early) in the morning, she put her robe on, then slowly walked over to where he was sitting. He didn't hear he approaching. She came behind him and said hesitantly, "Hawkeye?"  
  
When he heard her, he started. He quickly turned away and wiped at his eyes. Margaret was amazed. Could Pierce have been crying? No, he couldn't have. He must have just had something in his eye. She couldn't picture Hawkeye, who always seemed so strong, crying. She sat down next to him.  
  
"So, Pierce, what are you doing outside so late?" Margaret asked.  
  
"I couldn't sleep, needed air. I've got something on my mind that I needed to think about. Nothing much. I could ask you the same question, Major." His voice was unusually quiet and rough. Maybe he was crying, Margaret thought. She was determined to find out what was matter with him.  
  
She saw a picture on the ground next to him, and picked it up. Immediately he tensed. She looked at the picture. There was a little boy, a man, and a woman standing together. She looked at the little boy. It was unmistakably Hawkeye. He was probably about eight or nine years old.  
  
She glanced over at him. She asked quietly, "Is that you in the picture?" He nodded slowly.  
  
There was a question she wanted to ask him, but she hesitated. She wasn't sure how he would react to being asked. Finally, she asked him softly, "Is that woman your mother?" She knew his mother had died, but didn't know how or when. Hawkeye almost never spoke of his mother, only his dad. She knew that he still greatly felt the pin of her death.  
  
Hawkeye didn't say anything for a few moments. He didn't move, or even blink. Finally, he closed his eyes and whispered, his voice full of sadness, "Yes."  
  
After hearing that answer, she had an idea as to why he was sitting out here. "Hawkeye, please tell me why you're out here. Is something wrong? Why are you so upset?"  
  
Hawkeye finally turned and looked at her. There were tears shining in his eyes. "I'm not upset Margaret. And nothing's wrong. I just wanted to be alone for a while."  
  
"Hawkeye, I know something's wrong. I'm not that stupid. Please, tell me. You've seen me upset before, and you helped me. Let me help you." She paused a minute, then asked, very quietly, "Does this have to do with your mother?" She felt him flinch. He closed his eyes again. He didn't say anything. Margaret was about to say something when he said, "Yes, this has to do with my mother."  
  
Margaret asked, "Do you want to tell me?"  
  
He was silent for a minute, then spoke. She could hear the tears in his voice. "My mother was diagnosed with cancer. There was no treatment available. She died very quickly." He finally opened his eves, and stared straight ahead, now refusing to look at her. "I was ten. My dad didn't tell me until it was too late, By the time I found out my mother was dying, she was already dead." He paused a minute, swallowed back his emotions, trying to hide them, as he so often did. "I never got to say goodbye."  
  
Margaret gasped. "Oh Hawkeye, I'm so sorry."  
  
He blinked rapidly a few times. "Today is the anniversary of the day she died. 5:37 PM, on August 28, 1936." Margaret hesitated, then turned him to face her. There were tears in his eyes, threatening to overflow. One trickled down his cheek. She reached up, wiped it away, then hugged him. "Hawkeye, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. Do you want me to leave?" She felt him shake his head no, then he said, "You don't have to, unless you want to." Now she shook her head. "No, I'll stay here with you. You helped me when I needed, it, and now it's time for me to do the same for you. Hawkeye," she added hesitantly, "It's okay to cry." She held him tighter. He started to shake, and she knew then that he was crying.  
  
After a few minutes, she felt him pull away. He wiped at his eyes, then took a deep breath. He looked her in the eye, and said, "Thank you Margaret." She looked right back at him. "Anytime Hawk. I'm glad I could help. Lord knows you've helped me enough." He gave her a shaky smile and said, "Well, we should go back and get some sleep. Radar says to expect wounded coming in the morning." She nodded, and they both stood up.  
  
They started walking back. He walked her over to her tent. When they got there, he paused a minute, then gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. "Goodnight Margaret." She smiled at him. "Goodnight Hawkeye." He started towards the Swamp, then suddenly turned back. "Margaret, you're the only one in the camp who really knows about this. Bj doesn't even know. Please don't tell anyone." Margaret nodded. "I won't, don't worry." She hugged him, and said, "Goodnight Hawkeye."  
  
"Goodnight Margaret." Then he turned back and walked towards the Swamp. Margaret went into her tent. The two soon fell asleep.  
  
. 


	3. Nothing But A Letter

Chapter Three: Nothing But A Letter  
  
Margaret was sitting in her tent, brushing her hair. She was thinking about what had happened the night before. She was glad she finally knew about Hawkeye's mother, but she felt so sorry for him. When he had told her about his mother's death, her heart had broken in two.  
She was also grateful, in a way. She knew Hawkeye was very. contained, she supposed was the word, when it came to his emotions. He always kept his true feelings covered up with jokes. Only on a few rare occasions had she seen his express what he really felt. That night had been one of them.  
  
She was glad to have seen the more serious, emotional side of him that, all too often, he kept hidden from the world. Now she suspected it had something to do with his mother's death. She figured that since that had happened, he wanted to protect himself from being hurt again. Similar to what she had done after Donald, she realized. When she thought of this, she felt a sense of kinship with Hawkeye. He knew what it felt like to be hurt. Now, she felt closer to him in a way she couldn't fully explain.  
  
Suddenly, she heard a knock at her door. She said, "Who is it?" There was no answer. Curious, she got up, and opened the door. There was no one there. She glanced around, then looked down. She saw a piece of paper laying on the ground. She picked it up, and saw her name on the front. She turned around, and went back into her tent. She sat down, opened the letter, and began to read...  
  
AUTHORS NOTE: I know, your all going to kill me. I added this is after I already posted the fic. I hope you like it. Who do you think the letters from?? Tell me who you think it is. R&R, if I don't get any reviews, don't expect another chapter!!!! I mean it!!!!! Please review!! 


	4. Dear Margaret

Dear Margaret, I don't really know how to say this, so I decided to write it instead.  
  
Thank you for helping me last night. It meant more to me than you'll ever know. Every year when that day rolls along, I don't have anyone to talk to about it. It hurts my dad too much, and I don't want to talk about it to anyone else. So, I kept it bottled up inside. I do that a lot with my feeling, I guess.  
To tell you the truth, I was a little surprised when you came out. I was expecting to be by myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm very glad you did come, I was just surprised.  
Margaret, this is the part of the letter that I'm finding very hard to write, much less tell you face to face. I know we've gotten along much better than we used to. We've even become friends. You've become my best female friend in the camp, and you and BJ are my closest friends. You're also my favorite officer in the whole army.  
I have no idea how to put what I want to say into words, so I'll just say it however I know how. I know we used to hate each other. I also know that we've become good friends, and I'm glad for that. It's much more fun liking you than hating you!  
Somewhere along the line, though, I think I passed another line, Margaret. I think it was that night at the abandoned hut. Oh geez, I don't know how to put this. Somewhere along the time we've been in this hellhole, I think I... I think I fell in love with you. I don't really know how, and I don't exactly know when, but I'm in love with you.  
I know the last person you probably want to be with is me. I also know you probably don't want to be with anyone, after what happened with Donald. And I don't expect anything to happen between us. I felt like I had to get this off my chest. After last night, I realized how special you are, especially to me.  
You can choose what you do now. You can come yell at me for ruining your life, you can ignore me, or you can do nothing. All I wanted to really do was say what I felt. I usually don't do that. I'm glad I did it now. Thank you, Margaret,  
  
Love, Benjamin Franklin Pierce "Hawkeye" 


	5. Dear Hawkeye

Chapter Five: Dear Hawkeye  
  
Margaret was stunned. She sat down, and scanned the letter again. No matter how many times she read it, it still said the same thing. Hawkeye was in love with her. She couldn't believe what Hawkeye had written. She knew they had gotten closer in the past months, but she hadn't known she felt that way about her.  
There was another reason why she was so shocked. She had never really admitted it to herself, but she knew she was in love with Hawkeye.  
She decided to write a letter back to Hawkeye, as she felt the same way he did. She had no idea how to say what she felt. What did she feel? She wasn't sure of that herself. She was happy, for obvious reasons. She was also nervous, for several reasons. She knew how she felt, and how Hawkeye felt, but she didn't want to ruin their friendship. They had finally gotten comfortable with their relationship as friends, and she didn't want to ruin it. There was another reason. She had been hurt, more than once, and she wasn't eager to be hurt again. She knew Hawkeye wouldn't hurt her on purpose, but she was still hesitant. Still, she felt, in a way, she owed him something. He had told her a lot about what he felt; now she decided to do the same.  
She went, got a pen and paper, and sat down. After thinking for a few minutes, she began he letter.  
  
Dear Hawkeye,  
I must say, your letter came as a big shock to me. I had no idea you felt that way.  
I am a little hurt, though, that you think I would just ignore you, or come and yell at you. I'll at least talk with you about this. We are friends, at least.  
I was actually a little hesitant about writing this. That was one of the reasons. I don't want to ruin our friendship. We finally reached the point where we aren't trying to kill each other, and I like that. I don't want to mess it up.  
There's another reason, probably the biggest. You know that other men have hurt me. I know you wouldn't do that on purpose, but I'm a little afraid to risk it.  
In spite of that, there are a few things I feel that you should know.  
Hawkeye, as much as you shocked me, I think I'm about to shock you just as much. I agree with you, we've gotten much closer. Now I know just how close. Hawkeye, I feel the same way as you do. I don't know how, or when, but I've fallen in love with you too. Before this, I just didn't know how to tell you, so I didn't. After I got your letter, I figured it was probably safe to tell. So, now you know. Love, Margaret Houlihan  
  
She got up, and quietly crept over to the Swamp. She put the letter on the ground, and peeked in. She saw Hawkeye lying on his cot, staring at the ceiling. She knocked, and saw him sit up. She turned and ran to her tent.  
  
IN THE SWAMP  
  
Hawkeye was lying in his cot, in the Swamp, trying to sleep. In reality, he was very awake; He was worried about what would happen with the letter. He had no idea how she would react, and was almost wishing he had never sent the letter. Suddenly, he heard a knock. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, wondering if he had imagined it. Then, he heard footsteps scurrying away. Intrigued, he stood up, put his robe on, and quietly opened the door. He looked around, then down, and saw the letter. He bent down, picked it up, and went back into the Swamp. He sat down and began to read the letter, A few minutes later, he had finished the letter. He continued staring at the letter, in shock. When he had written the letter, he had tried to anticipate Margaret's reaction. This was, without a doubt, the last reaction or response he had expected. He lay back down, and stared at the ceiling, thinking into the later hours of the night,  
  
A FEW DAYS LATER  
  
Margaret and Hawkeye had avoided each other, by unspoken agreement. Neither knew what to do about the other. So, they stayed away from each other, wondering what they would do next. One day, there was a deluge of wounded. Everyone spent twelve hours in the OR, patching the young boys that were brought in. Afterwards, Potter headed to his office, BJ and Charles to the tent, and Hawkeye to the O-Club. Hawkeye walked over the Officer's Club. It was deserted; the only other person in the bar was the bartender. He sat down at the counter. "Bartender, give me a beer. No, make that a scotch." HE rested his head tiredly on his hand, then when his drink came, took a long drink. He sighed deeply. Then, he heard someone come up to the bar, a few feet away from him. "Bartender, give me a beer." He looked up quickly. "Margaret?" She looked over at him. "Pierce? I-I didn't see you." She quickly grabbed her drink, and sat down at a table across the room. Hawkeye hesitated a moment, then walked over to her table.  
"Is this seat taken?" he asked softly. She looked up at him, then slowly shook her head no. He sat down.  
"Margaret, we need to talk. We can't keep avoiding each other." He took her hand and held it, and when she didn't pull away, continued. "We need to talk. Please." She stared at their joined hands, then looked at him. "Okay, Pierce. What should we talk about?"  
"Oh, I don't know. The weather, the war, home. Margaret, you know what we need to talk about. The letters. What else?"  
She continued to stare at the table. Hawkeye was discouraged. "Look, Margaret, I meant what I said in my letter, every word. And-" he hesitated before adding this last part, softly, " I thought you did too."  
Now she looked up at him. She saw the hurt, anxiety, and sadness in his eyes. "Oh Hawkeye, I meant what I said too. I just wasn't sure how to talk to you about," she spread her hands helplessly, "Any of this. It happened literally overnight." Hawkeye looked at her a moment, then shook his head. "No, it hasn't happened overnight. At least not for me. Margaret, I've felt this way for a long time. I've just never told you." She gave him a small smile. "To tell you the truth, I've felt this way for a while to. I just didn't know what to say to you." Hawkeye smiled back at her, his eyes now full of happiness, but still a little nervousness.  
Hawkeye took a deep breath. "So, know what do we do? Are we going to forget we ever had this conversation, or are we going to." He broke off, not sure how to finish. She could see the question on his face. He looked into her eyes. He started to lean forward, slowly, waiting to see if she would do something. She smiled, and leaned forward to meet him. Their lips met, in a sweet and simple kiss. After a few moments they pulled away. They looked at each other, surprise and a little nervousness on their faces. "So, Margaret, now what are we going to do? I don't know about you, but I've fallen head over heels in love with you, and I have no idea what to do about it. " She thought a moment, then said, with a smile, "Well, I haven't fallen head over heels in love with me, but I think, no," she added, "I know I've fallen head over heels in love with you, but I know exactly what to do about it."  
  
And with that, she learned forward and kissed him.  
  
THE END  
  
So, what did you think? Thank you to all the help you've given me, especially to HM Writer and Phoenix 1536. Please, R&R!!!!! I need it! And check out my other Mash stories if you likes this one!!! 


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